This article citing statistics from here got me to thinking
"Among working mothers with minor children (ages 17 and under), just
one-in-five (21%) say full-time work is the ideal situation for them,
down from the 32% who said this back in 1997, according to a new Pew
Research Center survey. Fully six-in-ten (up from 48% in 1997) of
today’s working mothers say part-time work would be their ideal, and
another one-in-five (19%) say she would prefer not working at all
outside the home."
It's understandable why many new mothers and their spouses may want the mother to work outside the home less and spend more time at home. Newborns and toddlers require round the clock attention and someone has to stay home and it's ideally the woman both because of breast feeding and emotional bonding. This requires men, of course, to do what they largely do (without much thanks) and go to work full-time and earn money while Obama gripes that women are getting paid less.
But that's not the point. The point is that maybe men should be taking some time off too and it's ok to acknowledge that it's (usually) best for women to spend more time with young children but also that men have their day in the sun. Instead of a "winner take all" scenario for parenting where one should get all the praise and the other cleanup duty, there may be a way to balance this out.
The teenage years are a period of rebellion especially in a society that values individuality and has the state and peers having such a disproportionate influence upon children. Many fathers (and mothers) are working long hours by this point precisely at a time when the children need their guidance most about issues such as drugs, teen sex, financial responsibility, driving, and knuckling down on studying for college. It's a tough time and when I was growing up, I felt a vacuum of guidance.
While my mother was great for breast feeding (I was bottle fed, I think that's why my teeth are soft) and making sure I kept away from dangers as a toddler, she and I (and my siblings) really didn't need that kind of parenting in our teen years. When it was time for my father to shine, he was busy and in many ways, worn out from years of work. We bonded with him later during his retirement when we were in our 20's but this article above got me thinking:
Maybe fathers should work part-time during their children's teen years and let the mother work full time and carry the lion's, er, lioness' share of the bills? (Thank goodness for spell checking, I almost wrote lionesse's!)
Of course, a man is defined by his work as a reminder to children that The World Doesn't Owe Them A Living. It's the difference between children growing up to become useful members of society or living off a welfare parent and joining a gang later in life. But that said, working part-time might be ideal for the father to take an active, more detailed interest in whom his teen children are hanging around with, cracking down on their grades, watching whom they date and advising them to stay straight and narrow, and helping them land and retain teen jobs so they get an understanding of the job market.
Men are forced into the world of adults as a definition of their gender identity so perhaps it's best that they are the best avenue for moving their children forward into the adult world as well.
Of course, this doesn't mean that many mothers can't necessarily manage this role anymore than there are some men who probably are better with small children than some women. But in the name of balance, if not fairness and so-called "equality", it may be useful to consider that some people can't be perfect at Everything. Why not have one parent spend more time with children at different, and critical, stages of their life where their talents are most useful?
This also puts into perspective the importance of the parents staying together but there's another option: If one parent gets custody of a child when they're small, why not balance it out and have the other parent care for them when they're older? This would avoid the horrid trap Obama and others bemoan that women are stuck at home and earning less than men. In addition, nothing motivates women to earn more than having a portion of their salary going to their ex. :-) But ideally, couples should just stay together and work this out themselves. Sadly, our culture encourages people to treat each other in a materialistic manner but that's a whole different kettle of fish.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day!
OK, before anyone thinks I've gone off my rocker (I'm usually bashing feminism and hyperchivalry), it's important to give credit where it's due as well as criticism in addition to finding new ways to compliment and give credit that may have been ignored in the past.
There is an entire category of good mothering that's ignored by society and most especially ignored by feminists and hyperchivalrists. It's the mother who thinks about her children BEFORE they are born!
Sure, there are good parents out there, of both genders, who kick into gear when the stork delivers the bundle of joy and good for them. Also, there are parents who rise up to a crisis. But what's often ignored are the parents who did all their work before the child is born. As a good scout knows: It's all about preparation.
The best mothers carefully work hard and find and select a good mate and do it quickly (since time is NOT on their side). That's a major challenge both biologically and personally. It's one that men don't face in the same manner. I could afford to be immature in my teens and take my time to grow up in my 20's. I could be stubborn and even a jerk in my early 30's. Then I grew up. Fast. And a good thing too. I hope I'll be a better father for it.
But women have a different challenge. They take a different exam, but they have half the time. It's best, biologically, for them to have a child by their early 20's. Due to the complicated nature of our society and the lack of clear boundaries, it must be rather difficult to know precisely what you want, and more importantly, NEED to be a good PARENT by that time. I know women who are great mothers who had children at that age and I salute them. They're stronger than I was!
In addition, being a good parent, or mother, doesn't exist in a vacuum. Although there are some who laud women for the "sacrifice" of gestating a child for 9 months, that's almost like giving someone a medal at the Olympics for just showing up. It's only the beginning. A good parent doesn't just produce children. They produce ADULTS who move forward to have children of their own who become productive adults and so on.
So a good mother is not only someone who produces healthy children at a healthy age that grow up to become healthy citizens, but also someone who is a good wife and member of society herself to set an example. A good father (I'll address this a month later) helps support her in that role. More on that later, of course.
Finally, another aspect of motherhood that's ignored is someone who puts aside their personal squabbles for the best interests of their children. Nobody should put up with DV, of course, but learning to accept that your mate isn't perfect, or even get divorced and keep it amicable for the interests of the children, deserves a real medal as well. Sometimes things don't work out as planned and perhaps the toughest thing to deal with is a feeling of betrayal of abandonment by one's spouse. The mothers who handle that with grace and dignity deserve recognition.
There is an entire category of good mothering that's ignored by society and most especially ignored by feminists and hyperchivalrists. It's the mother who thinks about her children BEFORE they are born!
Sure, there are good parents out there, of both genders, who kick into gear when the stork delivers the bundle of joy and good for them. Also, there are parents who rise up to a crisis. But what's often ignored are the parents who did all their work before the child is born. As a good scout knows: It's all about preparation.
The best mothers carefully work hard and find and select a good mate and do it quickly (since time is NOT on their side). That's a major challenge both biologically and personally. It's one that men don't face in the same manner. I could afford to be immature in my teens and take my time to grow up in my 20's. I could be stubborn and even a jerk in my early 30's. Then I grew up. Fast. And a good thing too. I hope I'll be a better father for it.
But women have a different challenge. They take a different exam, but they have half the time. It's best, biologically, for them to have a child by their early 20's. Due to the complicated nature of our society and the lack of clear boundaries, it must be rather difficult to know precisely what you want, and more importantly, NEED to be a good PARENT by that time. I know women who are great mothers who had children at that age and I salute them. They're stronger than I was!
In addition, being a good parent, or mother, doesn't exist in a vacuum. Although there are some who laud women for the "sacrifice" of gestating a child for 9 months, that's almost like giving someone a medal at the Olympics for just showing up. It's only the beginning. A good parent doesn't just produce children. They produce ADULTS who move forward to have children of their own who become productive adults and so on.
So a good mother is not only someone who produces healthy children at a healthy age that grow up to become healthy citizens, but also someone who is a good wife and member of society herself to set an example. A good father (I'll address this a month later) helps support her in that role. More on that later, of course.
Finally, another aspect of motherhood that's ignored is someone who puts aside their personal squabbles for the best interests of their children. Nobody should put up with DV, of course, but learning to accept that your mate isn't perfect, or even get divorced and keep it amicable for the interests of the children, deserves a real medal as well. Sometimes things don't work out as planned and perhaps the toughest thing to deal with is a feeling of betrayal of abandonment by one's spouse. The mothers who handle that with grace and dignity deserve recognition.
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